an actual blog post

Life is so strange. You go for years and years with things changing but not changing quickly enough that you notice and you wake up after ten years of that and find your kid is practically grown and your life isn't really what you were aiming for when you started on that path, that you feel like you... okay not you- me. I feel like I slept through it. And then it crashed.

This isn't the first time my life crashed and probably not the last, but it feels like the most thorough. I lost my dad. My marriage ended. I got a real job and gave up on the business. I'm looking at a move that I'm only slightly more thrilled about than the idea of staying here in these circumstances. I've got little time to get lots of important things done and I really feel like sitting here and staring off into space and doing nothing.

If dad were here I'd ask him if this is what it felt like when his dad died and he crawled into his own little hole and I'd ask him what it took to crawl out of it and I'd ask a few other pertinent questions because I'm sick to eff of everybody saying it's not about the money and then following that up with how they know what dad would have wanted. No. You don't. I don't and you don't. Things aren't like they were. Life crashed on all of us. It sucks. You know only what you think you know and I know only what I think I know and sadly, Dad isn't here and we can each only do with each moment what we think at that moment is the best thing.

It's like that saying 'what would Jesus do'? Well Jesus isn't here to ask and I'm pretty effing sure I don't agree with what you think he'd do. He was my father and I love him and I miss the hell out of him and I wasn't the best kid in the universe and I didn't succeed at everything he'd have had me succeed at, but nobody except me and him knew what it was like to be us. And Dad knew what it was like to not be perfect and not accomplish what you set out to. And Dad loved me.